i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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