Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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