Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
