TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
