i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
