I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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