i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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