I showed him my bush... on skype.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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