I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
