i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
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I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
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10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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