just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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