there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
