The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
