No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
