Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
