So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
