Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
