Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
