I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He? As in you personified your dick?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
