I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
