just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
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I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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