Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
