I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
