Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I got inside last night via doggy door
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
