You can't special order awesome
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You are a genius and a whore.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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