party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
