oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
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Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
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Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you never un-have a 4some
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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