I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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