my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
