Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
