you guys were way drunker than both of me
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
