I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
