If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
