I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
