Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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