this boner is exhausting
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
