My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
