apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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