a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
