well I can't set my house on fire every night
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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