The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
