can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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