i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Randomize
