so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
