True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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