So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
