I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
