I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
