I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
