she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
