Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
