What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
