so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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