I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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