My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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