Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
