guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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