The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
