i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
