if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
home. puking in laundry basket.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
