At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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