i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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